Sandy, my baby girl turned one today. I am so happy to have sucha sweet, kind and loving baby girl, she is the calm in the storm, the sunshine in the darkness. It’s been an abnormally rough year, and I feel bad for her, but at the same time so thankful, because many times she was the one that made me see what was important. I know this post will sound like a rant, and it kind of is, but I feel like after a very heavy year it is good to reflect on what has been and what will be.
After a very crappy summer with a house renovation from hell and just crappy weather I was feeling gloomy in the fall. Then I got the bad news that my autoimmune Crohn’s disease had gotten worse and that I would, if nothing changed drastically, undergo surgery. Then my back suffered a bad trauma, a musucular cramp that held on for most of the fall. Sandy was very sick throughout fall and with me working 40 hours a week with a baby tag along this took a toll on us both.
Just before christmas Sandy got RS and our trip to Mexico was nearly cancelled. Luckily we made it there, a week later. In january and february Sandy was so super sick and Cléo was giving me hell as the terrible threes started kicking in. Then I went to germany for treatments which took a toll on all of us and the diet following that took a toll on me. Then after I lost the battle against perscription drugs and had to start taking them, the side effects has been severe, so severe I was put off the meds now while the doctors think of a solution.
And all the while I have been under severe negative stress and pressure and not being able to find any other solution I decided to quit the company for now and find myself and my strenght elsewhere.
This year I have learned to say no. I have learned to ask for help. I have also been blessed with two new people who have become very important, two friends, J & L who I cannot imagine to live without now that they are in my life. I have also learned that I need to prioritize myself sometime, and do things out of enjoyment, with no thought of duty or performance, just to be. Sandy made me realize this. One of the hardest days in my life, and I come home to her, and my head went blank, my chest filled with warmth as she came towards me as I came home. Her wet kisses and hugs and mama mama just made everything fall off, like a bird shedding it’s feathers to grow new and stronger ones. Cléo said something so wise the other day, which I will carry with me forever. She was throwing herself backwards onto a mattress. I complimented her on being so brave, and she looked at me qith her infinitly blue eyes and said: Mum, you just have to dare a little. ❤